Things were a lot easier when you were young. You don’t have to work, no bills to pay, all you worry about is your education and how the kids in school treats you. That, and having to deal with your nagging parents, if only they could understand you. Trust me they’re saying to themselves too, if you could only understand them.
Fast forward to adult life. It’s a roller coaster ride. We always want to be happy. If we’re not, we end up being miserable. When we reached our goals, we thought we’ll be satisfied. Only to find we want more. Before you just want a simple life. You didn’t want a house, an apartment is enough, never wanted a nice car, as long as it’s sufficient for your needs. You dreamed of being married, of settling down. But you know it’s not settling down at all. Now, you understand why your parents treated you that way. Now, that you’re a parent you could feel how they felt when they tell you you’re being extravagant.
Your thinking if you could just turn back time and do it all over again. You could have done this in that way and not this way. You wish you could be single again. Being married is too stressful. You do your best as you could to provide for your family and yet in spite all this you don’t get appreciated. You feel so alone that you think that God has forsaken you. Who would’ve had thought that life as a Christian could be this hard. Why didn’t God provided a caring partner, instead of yourself doing everything.
There’s nothing more painful than being ignored by the very person whom you love and supposed to love you. Love without action is not love. Envy start to settle in. You start going after material things. Later to find out that after the excitement wears out, you feel miserable. “Maybe God has forsaken me,” you said. “Why does God allow this things to happen to me,” asking Him. Fist clenched and tears rolling down. Screaming on top of your lungs because you just can’t take the frustration, despair, the loneliness, feeling of abandonment. You’ve cried a ton and yet God keeps quite. Enough is enough, I guess I’ll take action. Have you forgotten this?
You are so blinded by your trials and by trying to satisfy individuals hoping that they’ll love you back and one day they’ll change. Hope turns into despair and you’ve forgotten the words I’ve spoken to you.
So, this is what you did.
I found a religion that talks about forgiveness. No guilt. Reincarnation instead of heaven. We’re all connected in one. It taught me how to treat every living thing as precious. From grass, to trees, to the smallest insects. It gave me a broader sense of what forgiveness is. To let go. That happiness is just a state of mind. I venerate a statue. I look at with awe, with this sense of spirituality. For a while it ease the sufferings and the loneliness. Better than the material things and flesh has to offer.
However, questions keep coming up on my mind. Doubt and confusion. Why would I worship the very works of mans hand. And what I am being forgiven from. Of all the movement in the world there’s only one who died for his followers. The rest, their followers died for them. All their prophets are dead but Jesus Christ is the only who has risen. His apostles risk being tortured, imprisoned, beaten, mocked, forsaken. And left everything for the sake of Him. I realized now why everyone is running away from the truth. Because they don’t want to admit they have sinned. That we pick religions base on what suit us rather to embrace the truth that we are lost and have sinned. We never did anything what God said not to do and yet we blame Him for everything. What if we actually do what he is asking us to do. Would there be any change?
Now, I realize it’s all been me along. God has nothing to do with it. It was all my choice. He showed me the way but I refuse to walk in it. That throughout all along what he desire is a personal relationship. So here I am in my knees, tears on my cheek. Now I understand everything. That God is love indeed. I was blind but now I can see. I heard Him talking but I wasn’t listening. It’s not too late to repent as long as I’m here breathing. I finally understand now how to worship him in spirit and in truth.