Deeper and deeper I sink into the mire; I can’t find a foothold to stand on. I am in deep water and the floods overwhelm me.
I am exhausted from crying for help; my throat is parched and dry. My eyes are swollen with weeping, waiting for my God to help me.
I remember around this time last year when I called my cousin. There I was on the phone talking to him, broken, how I saw in front of me the devastation I felt that there’s no more hope in saving my marriage and my family. To make it worse the betrayal I felt. The fear that engulf me once I found out all my suspicions were true. I felt used, my confidence was completely broken. Just you’d expect that things would get better, on the week of my divorced getting finalized, my father passed away.
He said to me, “Don’t worry ‘cuz, you’re journey into the wilderness is going to end soon.” I don’t know why he said that. It made me think how the Israelites were left wondering in the wilderness for 40 years because of their disobedience. He is right, I was left also in the wilderness because of my disobedience. I didn’t listen to Him. I took His role as the one that could save and change an individual’s heart. I was blinded by the love that I had toward my former spouse. I knew what I was getting into. I took the chanced and gave in to my desires, though it’s completely against the word of God to marry her. I did it because I loved her.
It was indeed a journey into the wilderness, left alone to fend by myself. It wasn’t a bed of roses, it was a bed of thistles and thorns. Ups and downs, not a moment of bliss to last. To all these I endured, first, because I loved her. Second, because of my faith in God and in His words. Finally, that day would come when my eyes were finally opened. I eventually saw that I’m completely into pieces and wiped out. Indeed, love could rob you completely of your sight.
To a sum, I’m glad it ended. Slowly I am regaining of who I am and picking back the pieces so that I could be whole again, with the help and grace of God. I am also sad, because the way it affected my daughter.
Do not let this be an encouragement for you to get a divorce, except in case of infidelity and threat of life. Keep your family together, help and love each other unconditionally. Remember when you first fall in love.
A lot of things end in this world. If you’re into the wilderness right now, that’ll end too but it’s all dependent on the choices you make. Life must go on. All we can do is learn from it and be a better person.
What kind of wilderness you’ve been to? How did you get out of it?
A lot of people dreaded to live in underdeveloped countries. Western countries has a far better living standards and opportunities. Living here in the States and the Philippines is such a big difference. Here, everything is fast pace and over there is laid back. Each place has its own advantages and disadvantages.
We are so busy trying to caught up with our everyday life to maintain our living standard that we feel like we’re hard pressed on every side. Yes, it is hard living from paycheck to paycheck. Trying to make ends meet. Self-pity would come in and start saying to ourselves, if we could’ve only done this or that. If only I finish college then I could’ve earn more.
I called Mom and she was telling me about what my brother told her. I can’t exactly remember what we were talking about. Somehow my sibling mentioned to her that in spite of me not having a degree. I was still able to make it. I’ve been to other countries not only for a visit but to actually lived there. I know others would be grateful if they have a chance to visit. Not bad for someone who never dreamed of making it through this far.
I don’t live in luxury at all, far from it. However, I am not lacking anything at all. Time and time again I found myself poor because of this insatiable appetite for wanting things. That I often forgot that they are others whose in a desperate situation. I sat down and realize that my brother was right. I’ve been places where I actually lived there people could dream of, like Europe, the Caribbean and here in the States. And here I am complaining to God to give me this and that. Instead of being content.
Never really thought of that. It does keep me thinking. I never dreamed any of this. And yet here I am. A college drop out laughing stock high school kid.
God winks…
Water and Fire 