Dejected? Trust.

I was on the phone recently talking to a close family friend.  It was about almost two hours of conversation.  Lately, this past few weeks I’ve been feeling down.  Hope, believe, expecting and then nothing.  Hope, believe, expecting, wait..there’s something, oh it’s nothing.  Hope, believe, expecting, wait.. ah there it is..almost had it, the carrot on the stick got pulled again, not so fast, not so fast, you’re not that special like the way they’d like you to think.  It is wearying and exhausting, that it just zap the spirit in me.  And the cycle goes back again.  Maybe you’re in a different situation compare to mine, but you know what I mean, no matter how hard you try or no matter how much you obey the rules and play it safe, for some reason things just don’t work out, it’s just out of your control asking yourself, “Where did this came from, or I never saw that coming.”  It is what it is.  The only thing you could do is deal with it, even though it’s stupid and drowns you in angst.

My friend asked me, “How’s your heart?” meaning how’s my love life.  I told her about meeting someone who I prayed for that has those qualities I long for.  I doubted God actually, if  such a woman exist.  Lo and behold, I’ve met one unexpectedly in the most unexpected places-Facebook, exact qualities I prayed for.  Whatever questions I asked, she answered it confidently with no hesitation.  I’ve never met a woman with such confidence.  But alas, we’re just friends.  I began to doubt her and yet she proves to me that what she said is true, I didn’t even ask for it.  I was even afraid that it seems like she was reading my mind.  But alas, we’re just friends.  Even though in the beginning she wasn’t acting like a friend, it was beyond that.  Deeper, like we’ve known each other for a long time within a span of three weeks.  She unlocked all her feelings, so I let her in.  And I am not the kind of person who just open up to anyone.

So, I got tired of it.  I have to teach her about boundaries.  That if we’re just friends, she need to act like one.  They are things you do for a friend, and they are things you do exclusively for being more than a friend.

My friend told me, “Don’t stop hoping, don’t stop believing.  Someone is there for you.”  And I said, “I’m done, I’m done hoping and I’m done believing, I don’t really care.”

I inadvertently ran to this song on my Facebook feed, I find it hilarious because, I hate to say it, it’s the summary of  my life.  Yes, I shouldn’t be posting such profanities.  It’s hard to be a Christian, and just like anyone else regardless of what your faith and belief, I suffer the same thing like you do, I pain, I groan, I get tired of dealing with life that I just want to bury my face down on a pillow screaming, yelling profanities (thank God I never get to yell those words).  I am not immune to it.  I expect Christians will get offended, I expect a barrage of emails but all I want is to be honest with you and it’s human to break down.

My friend replied back, “You have to believe, once God says it, it will be fulfilled, you’ve got to believe.  Don’t give up hope.  Someone is out there meant for you.”

After that, I did my daily Bible reading.  For some reason, I guess it’s still God’s providence that I ended up reading this verse.

“But Jesus ignored their comments and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just trust me (Mark 5:36).”

And to further strengthen it and take away my doubts.  As I opened my Bible to put the verse above I ended up with this verse, which it was already highlighted by me a long time ago and it says,

“Don’t trust anyone-not your best friend or even your wife.  For the son despises his father.  The daughter defies her mother.  The daughter-in-law defies her mother in law.  Your enemies will be right in your own household.”

“As for me, I look to the Lord for his help.  I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me.  Do not gloat over me, my enemies!  For though I fall, I will rise again.  Though I sit in darkness, the Lord himself will be my light.  I will be patient as the Lord punishes me, for I have sinned against him.  But after that, he will take up my case and punish my enemies for all the evil they have done to me.  The Lord will bring me out of my darkness into the light and I will see his righteousness .  Then my enemies will see that the Lord is on my side.  They will be ashamed that they taunted, saying, “Where is the Lord-that God of yours…(Micah 7:7-10)”

No matter how many times I doubted God, He never tires of reaching out, He never tires of making His presence known.  Though I have broken a lot of my promises to Him, He still fulfill His promises to me-to never leave me nor forsake me.

One of the things that my ex mock me the most is my faith, I remember her saying, “God doesn’t answer your prayers and He’ll never answer your prayers.”  Despite all her loathing and vitriol I never revere her as an enemy.  As God forgives so I will forgive.  The best forgiveness you could give are the ones that’s undeserving, by forgiving them you forgive yourself and cut the shackle of cycle of bitterness and hatred.

So I’ll do what I do best the one thing that I am good at throughout my life and that is..

To keep trusting in Him.

Psalm 38:6-8

I am bent over and racked with pain. My days are filled with grief.  A raging fever burns within me, and my health is broken.

I am exhausted and completely crushed.  My groans come from an anguished heart.

If I, Would You?

If I tell you that
Christianity  has to nothing to do
With worldly prosperity
Would you still wan to be one

If I tell you that
The path is narrow
That leads to heaven
Would you still be interested

If I tell you
That to follow Jesus Christ
Means to deny yourself
To serve rather than to be served
Would you still
Have the ears to listen

If I tell you
That to be a Christian
You would be rejected
And forsaken by the people close to you
Because you offended them
For speaking the truth
Would you still keep the faith

If I tell you
That you would be beaten,
Spit on, curse upon, forsaken,
Jailed and even death
Would you still proclaim the gospel?

If I tell you that Christianity
Commands you to love your enemies
To bless those
Who curse you and pray for those
Who spitefully use you
Would you think that would be insane

And yet that’s what Christ exactly did
For every sinner
That includes you and I
And every living soul on earth

Now
Would you still
Want to be a
Christian?

The Emptiness

Sitting on my bed
Things going through my head
Expectations are illusions
Like a smoke, a dust,
Like a silhouette, like a mirage in the desert
Hoping to fill that thirst
Only to find emptiness.

What does life revolve around?
The money, the cars, a big house
Perfect family, caring friends
In which I have none
It’s not enough
Something is missing

Listening to music
Stare outside of the window
Having a thousand yards stare
Through the clouds and beneath the horizons
What is beyond that
Is there someone there
Or something
To fill the emptiness
To fill the void it created

Everything to be desired
Have been fulfilled and exceeded
The more you have
The more burden
If desire is not there
Would it make you stop
To feel like a human

What now, what then
The emptiness.

The Lost Sheep

Things were a lot easier when you were young. You don’t have to work, no bills to pay, all you worry about is your education and how the kids in school treats you. That, and having to deal with your nagging parents, if only they could understand you. Trust me they’re saying to themselves too, if you could only understand them.

Fast forward to adult life. It’s a roller coaster ride. We always want to be happy. If we’re not, we end up being miserable. When we reached our goals, we thought we’ll be satisfied. Only to find we want more. Before you just want a simple life. You didn’t want a house, an apartment is enough, never wanted a nice car, as long as it’s sufficient for your needs. You dreamed of being married, of settling down. But you know it’s not settling down at all. Now, you understand why your parents treated you that way. Now, that you’re a parent you could feel how they felt when they tell you you’re being extravagant.

Your thinking if you could just turn back time and do it all over again. You could have done this in that way and not this way. You wish you could be single again. Being married is too stressful. You do your best as you could to provide for your family and yet in spite all this you don’t get appreciated. You feel so alone that you think that God has forsaken you. Who would’ve had thought that life as a Christian could be this hard. Why didn’t God provided a caring partner, instead of yourself doing everything.

There’s nothing more painful than being ignored by the very person whom you love and supposed to love you. Love without action is not love. Envy start to settle in. You start going after material things. Later to find out that after the excitement wears out, you feel miserable. “Maybe God has forsaken me,” you said. “Why does God allow this things to happen to me,” asking Him. Fist clenched and tears rolling down. Screaming on top of your lungs because you just can’t take the frustration, despair, the loneliness, feeling of abandonment. You’ve cried a ton and yet God keeps quite. Enough is enough, I guess I’ll take action. Have you forgotten this?

You are so blinded by your trials and by trying to satisfy individuals hoping that they’ll love you back and one day they’ll change. Hope turns into despair and you’ve forgotten the words I’ve spoken to you.

So, this is what you did.

I found a religion that talks about forgiveness. No guilt. Reincarnation instead of heaven. We’re all connected in one. It taught me how to treat every living thing as precious. From grass, to trees, to the smallest insects. It gave me a broader sense of what forgiveness is. To let go. That happiness is just a state of mind. I venerate a statue. I look at with awe, with this sense of spirituality. For a while it ease the sufferings and the loneliness. Better than the material things and  flesh has to offer.

However, questions keep coming up on my mind. Doubt and confusion. Why would I worship the very works of mans hand. And what I am being forgiven from. Of all the movement in the world there’s only one who died for his followers. The rest, their followers died for them. All their prophets are dead but Jesus Christ is the only who has risen. His apostles risk being tortured, imprisoned, beaten, mocked, forsaken. And left everything for the sake of Him. I realized now why everyone is running away from the truth. Because they don’t want to admit they have sinned. That we pick religions base on what suit us rather to embrace the truth that we are lost and have sinned. We never did anything what God said not to do and yet we blame Him for everything. What if we actually do what he is asking us to do. Would there be any change?

Now, I realize it’s all been me along. God has nothing to do with it. It was all my choice. He showed me the way but I refuse to walk in it. That throughout all along what he desire is a personal relationship. So here I am in my knees, tears on my cheek. Now I understand everything. That God is love indeed. I was blind but now I can see. I heard Him talking but I wasn’t listening. It’s not too late to repent as long as I’m here breathing. I finally understand now how to worship him in spirit and in truth.

Unseen Blessings

A lot of people dreaded to live in  underdeveloped countries. Western countries has a far better living standards and opportunities. Living here in the States and the Philippines is such a big difference. Here, everything is fast pace and over there is laid back. Each place has its own advantages and disadvantages.

We are so busy trying to caught up with our everyday life to maintain our living standard that we feel like we’re hard pressed on every side. Yes, it is hard living from paycheck to paycheck. Trying to make ends meet. Self-pity would come in and start saying to ourselves, if we could’ve only done this or that. If only I finish college then I could’ve earn more.

I called Mom and she was telling me about what my brother told her. I can’t exactly remember what we were talking about. Somehow my sibling mentioned to her that in spite of me not having a degree. I was still able to make it. I’ve been to other countries not only for a visit but to actually lived there.  I know others  would be grateful if they have a chance to visit. Not bad for someone who never dreamed of making it through this far.

I don’t live in luxury at all, far from it. However, I am not lacking anything at all. Time and time again I found myself poor because of this insatiable appetite for wanting things. That I often forgot that they are others whose in a desperate situation. I sat down and realize that my brother was right.   I’ve been places where I actually lived there people could dream of, like Europe, the Caribbean and here in the States. And here I am complaining to God to give me this and that. Instead of being content.

Never really thought of that. It does keep me thinking. I never dreamed any of this. And yet here I am. A college drop out laughing stock high school kid.

God winks…

Act of Kindness

The Christian doctrine revolves around love and kindness.  The love it preaches is beyond any human’s grasp.  For one, to love someone who doesn’t love you back is just absurd and crazy.  Yet, one of Christ’s teachings is not only to love your neighbor but to love your enemies as well.  Most believer could probably do the first one but never the latter. How could you love someone who hates you, to the point that individual wishes you harm.  Looking back before you become born again, we were all enemies of God because of our sin and unrepentant nature and yet God didn’t stop loving us. He love us so much that He sent his one and only Son to save us from His wrath.

I was browsing through my facebook.  One of my friends shared this article, about a guy named Carl Panzram. This guy was so vile that I’ll share two of his quotes.

“I am the man who goes around the world doing people good. My motto is: Rob em, ***k em and then kill em. That’s me.”

 

And before his death, “Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around!”

 

With those words, right before his death.  I see a person who is full of hatred and vengeance.  I also see a man who is crush, broken in spirit, helpless.  That all he wants is just to end everything, not an act of cowardness  but rather a means of escape from a world of abuse, torture and pain.  All throughout his life only one man showed him kindness.  His prison guard Henry Lesser.  They became friends eventually and he convinced him to write about his life.

We often see outlaws only through one side of it.  We never ask why how such an individual became one.  I am not defending such individual, no matter what one went through. Regardless of what the factors are the  choice is still up to us. What if someone showed him kindness when he was a boy? That there is a life after this world.  Jesus Christ tells us to become the light of the world.

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. “Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven. (Matt. 5:14-16 NASB)

Yes, it is easy to judge such an individual.  However the grace  and love of God knows no bounds.  For the word of God is like a double edge sword.  Besides we all have one thing in common, we’re all sinners.

 

Words of Encouragement

It is hard to give up everything for the sake of our faith.  Once you become a true bible believing Christian, you must live by faith not by sight.  There’s a lot of things you have to give up.  Things that’s impossible to give up but you were able to because of that burning desire for your love of Jesus Christ.  You look you’re old self and you’re amazed and still are that you were able to make that change.  But none of our actions are comparable to what Jesus have done for us.  That is an absolute love.  Having the capability to love someone without returning it.

Anything that is contrary to God’s will must be given up.  A lot of people would look at us, we’re crazy and out of our mind.  You can’t really blame them if you look from their perspective, it is crazy.  That’s how faith works, believing something or someone that is unseen.  Giving up on our old self seems an easy task.  The hard part is giving up on your job, friends or even your own family because it hinders your walk with Christ.

What makes it harder is when it happens the other way around.  Being rejected because you are a follower of Jesus Christ.  You’re probably sitting alone in your room with head bowed down.  Smoking and drinking just to take the edge off.  Thinking and asking yourself, “Is it worth it?”  To lose everything for His sake.  The pain that we’re going through just rob us blind of what’s ahead of us.

If we read through God’s word, on Hebrew 11:24-27 and 33-40, it is absolutely worth it.  Because our rewards is not worldly but heavenly.  Here we can see Moses refusing to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter.  He chooses instead to suffer with his people rather than enjoy the passing pleasures of sin.  The pleasures of sin don’t last, it’s passing.  No wonder why one keeps sinning, it’s an empty hole.  He didn’t even fear the king.  Because he knows who he serve.

In verses 33-40 and I quote, “who by faith conquered kingdoms, performed act of righteousness, obtained promises, shut the mouths of lions, quenched the power of fire, escaped the edge of the sword, from weakness were made strong, became mighty in war, put foreign armies to flight.  Women received back their dead by resurrection; and others were tortured, not accepting their release, so that they might obtain a better resurrection; and others expected mockings and scourgings, yes, also chains and imprisonment.  They were stoned. they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill treated (men of whom the world was not worthy), wandering in deserts and mountains and caves and holes in the ground.

Now listen to this on verses 39-40 and I quote, “And all these, having gained approval through their faith, did not received what was promised, because God had provided something better for us , so that apart from us they would not be made perfect.

Do not be dismayed or discourage.  You’re not the only one going through this situation.  Some are even worse.  Have faith and do not lose hope.  Do not be blinded by the things you see. It will dull your mind, thereby hindering you from thinking clearly.  And sooner or later you’ll succumb to temptation, eventually sinning.  Rather focus on Christ, His words and the testimony of His apostles and disciple.  On what they’ve endure and went through.  For what is seen is temporal and what is unseen is eternal.