Month: April 2018

Falling Apart

A couple of weeks ago, the windshield washer on my car stop working.  Not a big deal but an inconvenience.  With the unpredictable weather  in Kansas, it could get annoying.  I came out with an idea to use a water bottle and poke holes on the cap and use that. I hate driving with a dusty windshield. The winds could really get bad here especially driving on the freeway with all the dust getting kick up on your windshield.

I waited for the weather to get warmer and that came yesterday.  I couldn’t figure out what is wrong.  I called my friend to help me, to turn on the windshield washers so that I could look for leaks or a broken pump.

authochrome fixing apart

I  mentioned, “Things start to fall apart in this car,” in which she replied, “Yeah, just like your life.”  I giggled, and said, “It has fallen apart for a long time.”  As you are reading this, you might think that I have a perfect life, a series of failures instead.  Hope,  crushed, hope again, fell in love, heart-broken, divorced, screamed, got drunk, got up again, rejected, beat down, broke, fell in love, rejected, emotionally drained, cried, fears, anxiety, drank some shiraz, pray and hope things will get better.

I was out there trying to figure how to take out the heat shield under the hood so that I could  take out the windshield washers but it has this plastic fasteners and it’s a pain to take them off.  I was getting frustrated and  giving up.  So I jump unto You Tube, thank God for that and I saw a video of a guy using a fork to pry them things out and it worked flawlessly, I got the windshield washer off and soak it into a vinegar to unclogged it.  To my dismay it didn’t work that wasn’t the problem.

In life things fall apart, it’s one of life’s reality. Like cars, it can be fix too if you are willing to look and change that broken part, with additional help, encouragement and sarcasm or a little bit of both, from your friends and love ones.  Did I finally figure out what the problem is?  Was I able to fix it?  I called my daughter this time to help me and  glad I found the problem.  It’s the hose, either it got disconnected or broke apart. I see the washer fluid coming out under the front wheel well like a garden water hose.  No, I wasn’t able to fix it yet, but I know now what the problem is and where to fix.

Just have to wait for a better weather, it’s raining here again.

Faith or Fear?

For reference, read the book of Hebrews 11.

Life is full of choices.  With choices comes consequences, both good and bad.  When we make life altering decisions two factors would be dominant to influence the choice we make.  By faith or out of fear.  I know the argument  that God influences people by fear.  If He is such a loving God why would He punish and send people to hell?  Even myself am not immune to this dilemma.  They are times I’d ask myself, “Am I only obeying God out of fear or out of faith?”  Is God really hateful?  Could He not have His own set of rules?  Regardless of what we believe, we all have our own set of rules and there’s always a consequence if someone violates it.  Why would God be any different.

faith or fear

In Hebrews 11, Paul talk about Abel that his offering is more acceptable because of his faith (verse 4).  Noah, who we thought that he built the ark out of fear but the Bible says otherwise, he built it because of his obedience through faith (verse 7).  Then there’s Moses, whom he’s parents hid and as he grew up choose to suffer with his people, until he left and eventually face Pharaoh again, not out of fear but of faith (verse 24-27).

These are the only  few I mentioned.  They even went to do far more greater things.  “Overthrew dominions, shut the mouth of lions, quenched the flames of fire, weakness turned to strength, strong in battle and put whole armies to flight (verses 33-34).”

My life has been a series of failures and the worst so far is my failed marriage.  I knew that it would eventually arrive to divorce.  I knew I was being taken advantage of.  I knew it was destroying me.  Other than faith and love as reason to go on, fear is the third one.  The fear of abandonment, how it is affecting my daughter, of being scorned upon because the stigma of being divorce.  The fear of being alone for the rest of my life.  Would I find someone again?  Would I be able to love like the way I use to love or should I keep putting on these “Berlin Wall” for the sake of self-preservation?

With failures comes also the lessons we learn.  It was hard to step out of that, fear and anxiety and a millions what if’s.   By the grace of God I came out of it.  I could say that things are better now and it took a lot of courage, self-reflection and seeking God.  I’m still amaze to this day and ask myself “How did I do that?”  One answer, Faith!

faith or fear1

If you are reading this, do not fear.  Regardless of what you’re going through.  Get out of your bed. Take a shower. Fix your hair. Get a haircut. Put a makeup on.  Have a good meal. Treat your self. Dress nicely.

I don’t know you, but you’re always in my prayers.  So, don’t say that no one cares. God cares, that should mean a lot to you, it does to me and it surpasses any affection given by this world.

“For God hath not given the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).”

Wilderness

I remember around this time last year when I called my cousin. There I was on the phone talking to him, broken, how I saw in front of me the devastation I felt that there’s no more hope in saving my marriage and my family. To make it worse the betrayal I felt. The fear that engulf me once I found out all my suspicions were true. I felt used, my confidence was completely broken.  Just you’d expect that things would get better, on the week of my divorced getting finalized, my father passed away.

He said to me, “Don’t worry ‘cuz, you’re journey into the wilderness is going to end soon.”  I don’t know why he said that.  It made me think how the Israelites were left wondering in the wilderness for 40 years because of their disobedience.  He is right, I was left also in the wilderness because of my disobedience.  I didn’t listen to Him.  I took His role as the one that could save and change an individual’s heart.  I was blinded by the love that I had toward my former spouse.  I knew what I was getting into.  I took the chanced and gave in to my desires, though it’s completely against the word of God to marry her.  I did it because I loved her.

the wilderness toy sat

It was indeed a journey into the wilderness, left alone to fend by myself.  It wasn’t a bed of roses, it was a bed of thistles and thorns.  Ups and downs, not a moment of bliss to last.  To all these I endured, first, because I loved her.  Second, because of my faith in God and in His words.  Finally, that day would come when my eyes were finally opened.  I eventually saw that I’m completely into pieces and wiped out.  Indeed, love could rob you completely of your sight.

To a sum, I’m glad it ended.  Slowly I am regaining of who I am and picking back the pieces so that I could be whole again, with the help and grace of God.   I am also sad, because the way it affected my daughter.

Do not let this be an encouragement for you to get a divorce, except in case of infidelity and threat of life. Keep your family together, help and love each other unconditionally.  Remember when you first fall in  love.

A lot of things end in this world.  If you’re into the wilderness right now, that’ll end too but it’s all dependent on the choices you make.  Life must go on.  All we can do is learn from it and be a better person.

What kind of wilderness you’ve been to?  How did you get out of it?