Unworthy

During the course of my marriage I was a lukewarm Christian. After such a tumultuous (for the most part) relationship with my former spouse I broke down, they were numerous times at night after work that all I wanted is to drive as far I can be, instead of heading north towards home, all I wanted is to drive south, as farther to the opposite direction. I felt maybe that somehow the longer the distance, that I would feel less pain.  But that didn’t help, I wanted it to disappear. I just couldn’t take it anymore, that I turn for comfort through watching pornography. The more I lusted and fulfilled it, I find myself in a euphoria that lasted for mere seconds. My flesh felt happy but spiritually I withered and dead bones start sprouting.

After a devastating divorced, it forced a change in my perspective. During those time of contemplation my eyes were opened. It made me see things differently that it has set me free from the prison and shackles that I made up myself. What made it sinister was that it was my own doing that put me there. I was my worse demon. God wasn’t punishing me nor the devil picking on me. It was myself all along who paved the road on my way to a living hell.

In order for to break free, I had to be broken and smashed completely and then rebuilt to a newer version. Everything around me start changing with those new set of eyes. The way I see and relate to God, the way I interact with individuals, the way I look myself and the way I treated all the circumstances happening in my life, both good and bad.

 

I made a decision to go back once again to church like that day when I accepted Christ. Full of fervent and vigor to obey Him. I got tired of being a “lukewarm Christian.” Majority of preaching today, promises you that things will get better and if it doesn’t get better maybe you’re lacking in faith, you don’t pray enough or read the Bible enough, don’t give enough monetarily and don’t obey completely. I felt so unworthy (that’s one of the reason I stop attending church) that I believed in my heart that maybe I had a crappy marriage and unfulfilled dreams (due to circumstances that’s out of my hand) because God was punishing me. It made it even worse when you see the same individuals in your church and their lives get better, like everything seems to be working perfectly except yourself.  It made me envious and I saw myself an outcast never enough in God’s kingdom regardless of what I do.

If you read the Bible some individual got saved and some suffered. I don’t know the reason why one get save while the other one get forsaken. Only God knows. Does it mean that if you suffer that you’re lacking faith in spite of you having a perfect relationship with God? I don’t think so.  The Bible says otherwise and when Christ died, everything is settled on that day forward.  There’s no need for effort, just to do our best to obey His will.

It’s been about two years now from the day I got divorced. One of the things that came out good from that failed marriage is, I completely stop lusting and looking at pornography until this past week. I got tired of fighting, I got weary of it. Three times I’ve looked at it and the third time, suddenly a jolt of lightning struck my mind, what did I do that I was able to hold on for those two years. I asked myself, “Was it fear of going to hell or God punishing me or withholding His blessings?” At first that’s what I thought but it isn’t. As I sat down in front of the computer screen, I found myself asking these questions, “Do I want to do this again and go through the same cycle it was just because I got rejected by a woman whom I believe that God bestowed upon me. Do I want to go back to that past life? Am I going to dig another grave for me which I wouldn’t be able to rise out of?” And I answered, “No..no, this is not who I am.”

It wasn’t the fear of God that made me hold on for those two years, it’s because of His loving kindness. As I sat there a surge of unworthiness came bearing down on me but then I realized if I am really unworthy, why would God sent His only Son to die for me, to save you and the whole world.

Yes, it’s hard to obey God especially when nothing works out in our lives no matter how much effort and faith we put in it. It’s human to break down, to mess up, to be weary, to be not perfect to say, “I am tired, I have enough.” But that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy, because God wouldn’t send His only Son to save you.

To you, you think you’re a garbage, just a pile of trash, born, work to slavery, pay bills, die and forgotten, just a pile of dirt on the ground towards the end of your life.

But to Him you are Priceless and Adored..