Unworthy

During the course of my marriage I was a lukewarm Christian. After such a tumultuous (for the most part) relationship with my former spouse I broke down, they were numerous times at night after work that all I wanted is to drive as far I can be, instead of heading north towards home, all I wanted is to drive south, as farther to the opposite direction. I felt maybe that somehow the longer the distance, that I would feel less pain.  But that didn’t help, I wanted it to disappear. I just couldn’t take it anymore, that I turn for comfort through watching pornography. The more I lusted and fulfilled it, I find myself in a euphoria that lasted for mere seconds. My flesh felt happy but spiritually I withered and dead bones start sprouting.

After a devastating divorced, it forced a change in my perspective. During those time of contemplation my eyes were opened. It made me see things differently that it has set me free from the prison and shackles that I made up myself. What made it sinister was that it was my own doing that put me there. I was my worse demon. God wasn’t punishing me nor the devil picking on me. It was myself all along who paved the road on my way to a living hell.

In order for to break free, I had to be broken and smashed completely and then rebuilt to a newer version. Everything around me start changing with those new set of eyes. The way I see and relate to God, the way I interact with individuals, the way I look myself and the way I treated all the circumstances happening in my life, both good and bad.

 

I made a decision to go back once again to church like that day when I accepted Christ. Full of fervent and vigor to obey Him. I got tired of being a “lukewarm Christian.” Majority of preaching today, promises you that things will get better and if it doesn’t get better maybe you’re lacking in faith, you don’t pray enough or read the Bible enough, don’t give enough monetarily and don’t obey completely. I felt so unworthy (that’s one of the reason I stop attending church) that I believed in my heart that maybe I had a crappy marriage and unfulfilled dreams (due to circumstances that’s out of my hand) because God was punishing me. It made it even worse when you see the same individuals in your church and their lives get better, like everything seems to be working perfectly except yourself.  It made me envious and I saw myself an outcast never enough in God’s kingdom regardless of what I do.

If you read the Bible some individual got saved and some suffered. I don’t know the reason why one get save while the other one get forsaken. Only God knows. Does it mean that if you suffer that you’re lacking faith in spite of you having a perfect relationship with God? I don’t think so.  The Bible says otherwise and when Christ died, everything is settled on that day forward.  There’s no need for effort, just to do our best to obey His will.

It’s been about two years now from the day I got divorced. One of the things that came out good from that failed marriage is, I completely stop lusting and looking at pornography until this past week. I got tired of fighting, I got weary of it. Three times I’ve looked at it and the third time, suddenly a jolt of lightning struck my mind, what did I do that I was able to hold on for those two years. I asked myself, “Was it fear of going to hell or God punishing me or withholding His blessings?” At first that’s what I thought but it isn’t. As I sat down in front of the computer screen, I found myself asking these questions, “Do I want to do this again and go through the same cycle it was just because I got rejected by a woman whom I believe that God bestowed upon me. Do I want to go back to that past life? Am I going to dig another grave for me which I wouldn’t be able to rise out of?” And I answered, “No..no, this is not who I am.”

It wasn’t the fear of God that made me hold on for those two years, it’s because of His loving kindness. As I sat there a surge of unworthiness came bearing down on me but then I realized if I am really unworthy, why would God sent His only Son to die for me, to save you and the whole world.

Yes, it’s hard to obey God especially when nothing works out in our lives no matter how much effort and faith we put in it. It’s human to break down, to mess up, to be weary, to be not perfect to say, “I am tired, I have enough.” But that doesn’t mean you’re unworthy, because God wouldn’t send His only Son to save you.

To you, you think you’re a garbage, just a pile of trash, born, work to slavery, pay bills, die and forgotten, just a pile of dirt on the ground towards the end of your life.

But to Him you are Priceless and Adored..

The Unwitting Victim(s) of Divorce

Most think the one that suffer the most in divorce are couples, but the silent victims are the children.  I remember how my daughter was so confused.  She couldn’t decide who to follow, who to believe or who’s place she’s going to sleep when evening comes.  Every time I looked at her, though she didn’t speak openly I could see it in her eyes.  The question of million why’s.  Every time we hugged each other it felt like we would never see each other again.

Once, she forgot a book at her Mother’s place and I told her we’ll just go back and pick it up. Out of nowhere, she wrapped her arms around my waist, her head resting against my belly as her tears flows down seeping through my shirt.  I asked her, “What’s wrong ?”  She replied, “The other guy is there,” and as soon she uttered the last word, she cried uncontrollably, holding the tears in my own eyes.

Seeing her like that felt like someone ripped my heart out, thrown it on the ground and just stomp on it over and over and over.  She’s just as broken as I am, even worse. I couldn’t fathom the things going on her mind,  but I know she’s hurting more than I.

Every now and then we have disagreements (her mother and I) when it comes to our daughter.  I received a text, something like this, “You should be happy you don’t have a responsibility anymore.”  I’m the one who drop my daughter to school.  Since they’re planning to move farther away from me.  She told me that in which I replied, “I never see my daughter as a responsibility.  I see her way beyond that.”

She is me, my flesh and my blood.  Even if I’ll be long gone from this world.  I live through her.  She is an extension of myself not just someone to put through college, not just someone to support and tell her do this and do that.  I see in her the breath of God.  He’s perfect handiwork.  Someone asked me, “How did you feel when your daughter was born?”  I answered, “You know when you fall in love, multiply that a hundred times.

I wish I could turn things back, who would want to see their child go through something like that, I certainly don’t.  But they’re things I can’t control and all I could do is to put my trust and faith in God .  Faith is what I have left.

It doesn’t matter how much tears I cried.  The damaged has been done.  All I could do, is pick up the broken pieces and let God put everything back according to His time and will.

Fight Your Way Out

Like most individual I tend to run away from my problems.  Instead of facing them, making excuses in my mind hoping that they’ll magically disappear or fix themselves.  Postponing every chance I get, but it still there, not going away and the more I prolong ignoring it the more it becomes worse.  Imagine a windshield wiper that is  starting to worn out , that squeaky annoying noise.  Then you wait until it’s totally worn out.  You check the weather that day, sunny and clear skies. Out of nowhere a thunderstorm is brewing. The rain is so heavy that you could barely see the road.  You realize you should’ve have change your wipers sooner, now you can’t see, you slow down, hoping and praying that you won’t get into a wreck.

Weathers are unpredictable so is life.  It is full of surprises.  Today you’re up, later you’re down. Everything’s going well in your relationship, suddenly out of nowhere your love one wants to break up with you, on a text message!  Nothing is certain.  Trouble has always been brewing ever since the creation.  It doesn’t discriminate, it could care less how old you are or what status in life you are in.  Even the righteous individuals in the Bible have more than their fair share. Talking about fairness, and yet they pulled through it due to the fact that they have that power of choice.

When we are beat down, we cower in surrender not because of cowardice but just sick of all the bad stuff that keeps happening in our lives. Those things we’ve done as a result of our choices and the things that we can’t control. You’re mind starts to wander, “What is my purpose here or is this life what is all about?”  We find ourselves withdrawing from the things that we love to do. We shut out our family and friends. Just stay in the room, lock the door, get drunk, watch porn, do drugs, and watch netflix all day long.  Anything to keep the pain and reality of life away from you.  After all of these, it wears down on you. You find yourself face down on your pillow, saying, “Life sucks.”  The cycle keeps going like a broken record. The whole world keeps barreling down on you like a semi on a freeway who happen to lose its break.  Unstoppable!!

You’re right, life sucks!!  But you know what suck more?  You staying there on that pity party.  I know, I know I probably hit a nerve on you.  You probably want to stop reading now or unsubscribe, hear me out for a minute.  I don’t know what you’re going through or what you’ve been through.  Maybe you’re life sucks more compare to mine or mine sucks more compare to yours.  One thing we could agree on both of our life sucks, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.

With reason and logic, let’s break this down.  Life doesn’t care what you do.  Whether you do something what’s ailing you or you don’t, life goes on.  It’s not constraint to time.  Run away or face your problems or fears, life will keep on going.  When our breathing stops, life will keep spinning.  It’s a fact and a lesson that I learned so hard.

You might ask, “What if I fail again?”  Then I’ll ask you this, “Would you rather try and fail or not try at all and live in regret?”  You should stop telling yourself that you’re being pick on by God Himself rather ask yourself what could you learn from it and move on from there.  We don’t have a lot of time in this world so we have to make the best out of it.  Like I said, you have the power of choice.  It is up all to you to put it in action.  Time’s wasting so get moving.  Don’t make an excuse that you have a lot of time because you’re young.  You don’t, it’s an illusion.

“But you must not forget, dear fiends, that a day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day (2 Peter 3:8 NLT).”

The younger you are to take corrective actions, the better it’ll be for you.  Take note, not any actions but a corrective one.  You might ask, what made me to take a corrective action.  Simple, I got tired of feeling sorry for myself.  I got tired of listening to the lie that was broadcasting in my head 24-7, that life is a mediocrity.   The simple fact that the Bible contradicts it completely, that Christ came to give life not just life but an abundance of it, and the other fact that it is manifesting in my life.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10 NASB).”

Once you’ve decided to take action it won’t be an easy road.  You’ll be tested, discourage mock at and laugh at.  As Christ surrendered to death on the cross, so you must surrender too in obedience to His words.  I could imagine Satan laughing himself off as Christ hangs in there with blood, sweat and tears, forsaken. Little did he know that the Father always turn bad things into good ones.  In the end it’ll all be worth it because due to the fact that you decided to take an action.  Not any action but an eternal one.

Fight your way out, it’s the only choice you’ve got.

“But the gateway of life is small, and the road is narrow, and only a few ever find it (Matthew 7:14 NLT).”

Psalm 56:8

You keep track of all my sorrows.  You have collected all my tears in your bottle.  You have recorded each one in your book.

Falling Apart

A couple of weeks ago, the windshield washer on my car stop working.  Not a big deal but an inconvenience.  With the unpredictable weather  in Kansas, it could get annoying.  I came out with an idea to use a water bottle and poke holes on the cap and use that. I hate driving with a dusty windshield. The winds could really get bad here especially driving on the freeway with all the dust getting kick up on your windshield.

I waited for the weather to get warmer and that came yesterday.  I couldn’t figure out what is wrong.  I called my friend to help me, to turn on the windshield washers so that I could look for leaks or a broken pump.

I  mentioned, “Things start to fall apart in this car,” in which she replied, “Yeah, just like your life.”  I giggled, and said, “It has fallen apart for a long time.”  As you are reading this, you might think that I have a perfect life, a series of failures instead.  Hope,  crushed, hope again, fell in love, heart-broken, divorced, screamed, got drunk, got up again, rejected, beat down, broke, fell in love, rejected, emotionally drained, cried, fears, anxiety, drank some shiraz, pray and hope things will get better.

I was out there trying to figure how to take out the heat shield under the hood so that I could  take out the windshield washers but it has this plastic fasteners and it’s a pain to take them off.  I was getting frustrated and  giving up.  So I jump unto You Tube, thank God for that and I saw a video of a guy using a fork to pry them things out and it worked flawlessly, I got the windshield washer off and soak it into a vinegar to unclogged it.  To my dismay it didn’t work that wasn’t the problem.

In life things fall apart, it’s one of life’s reality. Like cars, it can be fix too if you are willing to look and change that broken part, with additional help, encouragement and sarcasm or a little bit of both, from your friends and love ones.  Did I finally figure out what the problem is?  Was I able to fix it?  I called my daughter this time to help me and  glad I found the problem.  It’s the hose, either it got disconnected or broke apart. I see the washer fluid coming out under the front wheel well like a garden water hose.  No, I wasn’t able to fix it yet, but I know now what the problem is and where to fix.

Just have to wait for a better weather, it’s raining here again.

Three Most Dangerous Words

Three most dangerous words.  What is it that comes to your mind when I say this.  You might be surprise that it is not what you think it is.  I will give you a clue.  It’s not something that could get you punch in the face or be thrown in jail.  It’s not something that could ruin your career or mire your reputation.  It’s not something that you could say to your spouse in which you’ll end up sleeping on the couch tonight or worse outside of the house.

It’s worse than that.

When you say these words, you’re allowing the other person to venture into your soul rather than staring at your body. It is the epitome of complete surrender.  Knowing that the individual could betray you, hurt you, at any given time.  But you don’t think of that because you know in your heart the moment you say those three words, it’s more than saying I trust you, it’s surrendering all of you, letting someone through the window of your eyes and venture deep into your soul.

You are at work, he is a at work. You are at home and she has to travel far afar.  Both of you would think,”I wonder what my honey is doing now?”  Is she just working or is he flirting around? But you wouldn’t think that because he gave you his three words and she gave hers too. But life has a way of turning things around. You could win today, you could lose tomorrow.

That day came, you can’t believe it with your own eyes. He is holding someone’s arms. She is in someone arms.  Tears rolled down. Heads bowed down.  You feel the pain throbbing in to your chest, like a million daggers stabbing continuously in your heart.  Now I know why those three words are the most dangerous one.

Then God look down, and He said to you, “Don’t worry child, I know how it feels.  I’ve sent my begotten Son and look what they’ve done.”

And as you read through the final lines, God whispers at you by your side and says, “My child would you like to know now what are  the Three Most Dangerous Words, because that’s exactly the reason why I sent my Son.”